7 Habits that Will Destroy Your Relationships (and 7 that Will Improve Them)

Have you ever been in a relationship that just wasn’t working? Maybe you’re in a relationship right now that started off great, full of life and fun, but now is floundering in the endless sea of bickering and discontent. [Please note: What follows can be applied to every kind of relationship. This isn’t just for romantic relationships]

Blaming Others
If you’re anything like me the temptation is to blame the other person for everything that is wrong with the relationship. But that would be a terrible mistake (unless of course they were unfaithful, or abusive then that’s a whole other story). Let’s face it, when it comes to relationships no one is perfect. On our best days we are merely “good” at being in relationships.

The Problem with Relationships
The problem with relationships is that there are always two people in them. Whenever you get two people together there are bound to be disagreements, arguments and miscommunication. If you can relate to this, then it’s time to do something about it. And no, I am not talking about making the other person take full responsibility for everything that is wrong. Primarily because that simply isn’t true and secondly, because you can’t control others. You can only control yourself.  It’s time for you to take responsibility for your role and find ways to make it better.

One blog post cannot possibly fix everything that needs fixing in your relationship, but it’s a great start. Below, I lay out Seven Disconnecting Habits (or Seven Deadly Habits) that put stress in every one of your relationships.

7 Disconnecting Habits
1.     Criticizing
2.     Blaming
3.    Complaining
4.    Nagging
5.    Threatening
6.    Punishing
7.    Bribing or rewarding to control

“I love being criticized” said no one ever.  Every one of the things on this list will drive people further away from each other rather than closer together. It may make you feel good in the moment to do one of these habits and you may win the argument, but it will cost you so much more. On the other hand, there are Seven Connecting Habits (or Seven Caring Habits) that if you practice them, will improve your relationships.

7 Connecting Habits
1.     Supporting
2.     Encouraging
3.    Listening
4.    Accepting
5.    Trusting
6.    Respecting
7.    Negotiating differences

When I first came across these lists my initial thought was, “these are common sense practices”. Even though they may be common sense, it is still extremely easy to do the seven disconnecting habits without even realizing you are doing them. If you want to be proficient in the seven connecting habits then you have to be intentional about practicing them.

[I would love to take credit for creating these lists but I did not. They are not original to me.  I am indebted to my good friend Bruce Davenport who introduced me to these lists which are a small part of a bigger system of thought and behavior called Choice Theory. Choice Theory was developed by Dr. William Glasser.]